Top Twenty Toys

1. The goal is to understand; through non-defensive exploration; what you and others are thinking/meaning, feeling, and wanting.
2. Be equally dedicated to the happiness and satisfaction of yourself and others.
3. Be tolerant and forgiving of others and allow them their opinions, individuality, and weaknesses.
4. Do not attempt to control others of equal moral status, but allow them to make their own decisions.  We can only persuade, influence, communicate, and reason with them. When we attempt to control others of equal moral status we damage our relationship with them. However, we influence and persuade others depending on their moral stage. The lower the stage the more our influence is behavioral. As a person develops morally our influence evolves to verbal influence and then finally to moral reasoning and anticipation of consequences. For example, It would be unreasonable to think that a parent would not limit a toddler from going out in the middle of the street just because the child wanted to, or allow a child to make destructive decisions that would jeopardize their safety, happiness, and success. For example, letting a child stay home from school because they simply do not want to go. This is why we are parents. We allow children more decisions in their life as they mature and develop so that one day they will be prepared through experience and practice making independent decisions based on their best moral judgement and reasoning.
5. Relax, shed your defenses, and be truly open to the other person.
6. If the other person is too angry or defiant to continue, take a short recess and then resume at a specified time.  Don’t quit or give up.
7. Anger is a defensive emotion that is used to protect oneself.  Try to calm a person who is feeling angry through understanding and by reassuring them of your commitment to them.
8. Don’t attack others.  Stick to the main issues and real problem.
9. Arguing and blaming destroy communication and are a complete waste of time.
10. When communication gets stalled or you find yourself arguing, summarize what you and the other person are trying to say.  Get back to the main issues and the real problem.
11. Some things are nonnegotiable.  Try to understand, accept differences, and be tolerant.
12. Do not try to “mind-read”, or “second-guess” what the other person is thinking, feeling, and wanting.  Only they know.  Check out what the other person is experiencing by asking questions and exploring.
13. Realize that what undermines problem solving or conflict resolution the most is over-sensitivity and defensiveness (anger) and (running away).
14. Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and wants.  Use “I” messages rather than blaming “you” messages.
15. Each person should talk in turn without interruptions, putdowns, yelling, or argument from the other.  The person not talking should listen non-defensively to discover and understand what the other person is truly thinking, feeling, and wanting.
16. Face the other person when speaking.  Most of what we communicate is nonverbal.  You need to see how the other person is feeling.

Process for Effective Communication

1. First – EXPLORE to Understand
   1. Listen, empathize, clarify, and explore non-defensively:
      1. Thoughts / Meaning
      2. Feelings
      3. Wants
2. Second – EXPRESS to Be Understood
   1. Using responsible “I” statements, express:
      1. Thoughts / Meaning
      2. Feelings
      3. Wants
3. Third – VALIDATE and accept the other person.

Dr. Randy Hyde has created a Parenting Course called the One Week Parenting Miracle.